Dear Alex--

Happy 13th Birthday, my sweet boy!  How big you must have grown, by now.

It's been a really long time since I've written.  Please don't think that means you haven't been on my mind.  You are, every single day.  Every day, I wonder how you are, how much you've grown, what you're doing, what you look like, who your friends are.  I wonder if you're happy or sad, whether life with your dad is painful or enjoyable...  I hope he's not too hard on you.  If he is, please try to be strong.  Find that quiet spot inside of you that protects you from his anger.  Draw around you that bubble I taught you about long ago and surround yourself with peace and love.

As I wonder how your life is, my life continues as it has been.  I'm still living with Grandma and Grandpa.  They miss you very much, by the way.  Jeanine is living in California.  I'm still in school to become a nurse.  I have one year left.  I had to take some time off because school and life became very difficult for me and I needed some time off.  I just started again, last week, and already it's hard.  A lot of reading, a lot of memorizing, a lot of understanding and putting what you learn into practice.  Tomorrow, I will be at the hospital for clinical.  "Clinical" is a fancy word for going to the hospital and practicing what you learn in the classroom.  Preparing for clinical and doing clinical homework takes a lot of time and late nights.  It's hard to do clinical homework and study for class and exams at the same time.  Sometimes I have a hard time remembering why I'm doing this.  I have to remind myself that there are only four more classes to go, that being a nurse isn't nearly as difficult as it is learning to become one.

I don't have any boyfriends, right now.  But there is one man I'm deeply in love with, and I patiently wait to see what happens with him.

Do you have a girlfriend, yet?  So many things about you I wonder about!  It hurts me a lot that I can't watch you grow up, that I can't be your mother and teach you about life.  Unfortunately, your father robbed that of me.  He took you away, told you horrible things, and has hidden you from me.  He still doesn't answer my phone calls, and I don't know where you live.  I look for you online, searching for clues.  Maybe one day I'll finally find you on Facebook.  I leave my profile open for all to see, so you can find me.  I've tried to make myself easy to find on the Internet, and hopefully, between your memory and your diligence, you'll find me here and send me an email, or message me on Facebook.

Someday, my sweet.  Someday one of us will find the other.  Someday.  It's one of my few, enduring hopes.

Happy Birthday, my lovely boy.

I love you forever,
I like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.

xoxox